Quotes from a 4-yr old...

From Trevor this morning:

"Mommy, can I pick out your clothes for work today. I promise I'll do a good job."

Looking at himself in mirror: "I'm very concerned...and very curious."

Curled up next to me in the big bed: "Mommy, I just love you."

Me...

So people ask about the medical stuff, and I guess I haven't said much lately. It has seemed like more of the same. Work, home, chemo, repeat as necessary. I've been managing to work full time except for my chemo days. I finished my 8th chemo cycle last week. The side effects are somewhat cumulative, so it has been a little harder as we go along. The fatigue is a little worse, the neuropathy in my hands and feet is more significant. But overall, it's still all really manageable.

I guess I've been hesitant to write because I've been working on a plan and I still don't know if it will work out. I'm flying to Washington, DC at the end of the month to meet with a surgeon about the HIPEC surgery I mentioned a few times before. I've been on again and off again, but I know feel that it offers my best/only chance at some type of curative result. The best chance still only has a 25% success rate (in terms of 5-yr survival), but that's better than 8%.

So I'm on the schedule for surgery July 21st, tentatively. A bad scan between now and then could derail everything, but I can't go there. The surgery is rough, probably 12 hours in the OR and then 30 days recovery in the hospital in DC. You can read about the surgery and recovery here, on the surgeon's website. It's a little scary, lots of tubes. One of my internet friends refers to it as the MOAS - Mother Of All Surgeries. I'm guessing it will make my 3 c-sections look like a walk in the park.

That's it, the new plan. I'm probably in for a few more rounds of chemo before the surgery, but they have to stop about a month before the actual operation. Chemo inhibits your body's ability to heal and you need to be able to heal after the surgery. Then post-surgery, I'll probably have about 8 weeks recovery before resuming chemo for another 6 rounds.

Sean will likely stay with me in DC for a few weeks post-surgery. Then I think I'll send him home and some friends can come sit by my bedside and cater to my every whim.

Thanks as always for the kind notes, cards, packages, food, prayers that continue to bless us every day. Having you all here to support us through this journey means the world.

Superfriends...

Trevor and Logan are the best of friends. They were born 13 days apart and Michele and I have a tendency to dress them like twins sometimes...
Can you guess how old they'll be this month?

They're having a little party with their preschool crew this weekend. Can you tell if they're excited or not? Logan's hair tells most of the story...

Yes Y'all, We Live in Texas...

My chemo cycle is every other week, Wed - Fri infusion. So I usually lay pretty low on the Sat-Sun after my infusion. The fatigue isn't unbearable, but I try not to make any plans to leave the house for a few days. But there are exceptions to every rule. Like when the annual Pasadena Strawberry Festival falls on a chemo weekend. Times like that, you gotta suck it up and go.

The kids seriously look forward to this outing every year. This year Hayden's Sunday School teacher asked him if he went to the Rodeo Carnival and Hayden told him "No, we're saving up for the Strawberry Festival.". Anna came in from Budapest just for the Festival this year (not really, but we dragged her along). Michele just got her leg brace off and we conned her into going too. Needless to say, a splendid time was had by all. Did I mention the torrential downpour? We were not deterred.

There were scary roller coasters operated by even scarier traveling carnival workers:
1= Trevor (No Fear), 2= Logan (Perhaps a Little Fear), 3= Hayden (Pretending to be thrilled, but really ready for bigger adventures)

But as any East Texan knows, the real highlight of the Festival is the Pig Races. I took this picture of the boys waiting for the pigs to run, but when I downloaded it, I really enjoyed the guy/gal on the left side of the frame. Is that a sleeveless "Slayer" jean jacket? Seriously? We run with the best crowds.

Juliette is beyond delighted to be watching her second annual trip to the pig races. She really wasn't old enough to appreciate them last year.

And here they come spinning around the turn...those are some darn fast future slabs of bacon.

I know you're jealous. Don't worry, there's always room at the inn if you want to make a journey to Texas for next year's festival.

Catching up...

I've been delinquent in posting, clearly I know. Occasionally, Sean asks what's going on in my life since he doesn't get updates on the internet anymore. So that's the message my friends, stop posting your life on the internet and you may have actual conversations in your house.

OK, back to your regularly scheduled program. We took the kids to Seaworld in San Antonio for Mother's Day. As you can see, we had a fun ride in the car.
We arrived early the first day for "Breakfast with Shamu". Unfortunately, Mom's clicking skills aren't what they used to be and I apparently paid for Breakfast with Shamu for sometime in late June. So we stood outside for a while until the park opened.

When the park opened, the first order of business was the Shamu coaster. Hayden rode it about 10 times in a row when he was 2 1/2. This was Trevor's first time. I think he liked it.

Feeding the dolphins is one of the best parts. They come right up to the kids. So if you can stomach holding the slimy fish, it's pretty cool.

Trevor wasn't so much for holding the slimy fish, but he's cute, so the dolphins came to visit him despite the lack of food.

Our second day, we visited the Seaworld water park. I would say a good time was had by all, but Juliette had a massive ear infection the whole trip and was running a high fever. She didn't eat the whole time and Day 2 was not her best moment. Poor thing. She's all better now.

Oh, and the nice folks at Seaworld fixed us up with a backstage tour of the beluga whales and dolphins to replace my mixed up attempt to reserve breakfast with Shamu. Ever been kissed by a Beluga whale? Super sweet animal, but nasty fish breath.

Hayden also finished another season of Little League. I remember his first season, I took pictures at every single practice and every single game. I think this season I didn't bust out the camera till the very last game. But check out the batting stance on my little Rattler. Is he ready to go pro? We are so glad to be done with t-ball and onto machine pitching.

17 Months...

Sigh...precious age...goes by too fast...



Pictures here if the slideshow above doesn't work for you.

The Pied Piper...

I frequently say that Trevor is the Pied Piper of Juliette. Last night he got sent to time out for just ridiculous unnecessary roughness. He just tackles her and jumps on her for no reason except that he can (yes, obviously it's a cry for attention my amateur child psych friends). Anyways, he's out of the room for all of 5 seconds before she's wandering the house looking for him. And she squeals with delight when she finds him, immediately taking a seat next to him in time out, waiting patiently for him to be able to come out and play again.

Not a real post...

But I know I've been out of touch so I should post something, anything...

I've been thinking about getting a wig. My hair is thinning, not to the point where other people notice, but there are handfuls every day and I think at some point it will be unmanageable.

So do you think I could pull off this look?
OK, that's all I can muster for now. Real post forthcoming within a few days.

I wonder...

If the people who make the Superman pajamas with the capes get a lot of product safety-related lawsuits...
Because if you give a kid a Superman logo and a cape, he's gonna think he can fly. There's gotta be a correlation between wearing these pajamas and trips to the ER.

Sweet 16...

...and never been kissed? Hardly. This one gets lots of kisses.
Even occasionally getting a kiss from these rowdy boys...

Does Hayden look like he'd rather be throwing a ball or sitting for pictures with Mom?

And Trevalicous? Well, his news at school usually ends with "...and I love mommy." So he still has a little soft spot for me (and I for him).

Miss J. is quite the walker these days. You can't turn your back on her anymore or she's gone.

Here is Hayden and Trevor's attempt to cooperate for a picture together. Hayden is about half a second from rolling over onto Trevor. Boys!

Last, but not least, an attempt to get all three in a picture together. This picture is so worth a thousand words. They're wrestling over a ball, paying no attention to me, Juliette is looking at them as if to say "Can you please just cooperate so we can get this over with?" You're in trouble if your 16 month old is your best listener.

Traditions...

Every year, we visit the Easter Bunny at the mall (see 2008, 2007 ). It's hit or miss, really. Because honestly, when you're a tot, a 6 foot bunny rabbit is a pretty freaky sight. But still, we persevere. Juliette got dressed up in her best dress...
What's that, you can't see the shoes? Here we are wandering over to the Godiva kiosk...

The boys waited patiently for their chance to tell the Easter Bunny what they'd like to find in their baskets. Trevor was really hoping for the movie Bolt and Hayden wanted two movies and two books...

Could they love the bunny just a little more? Could this be any more perfect? Is something missing?

Oh yes, we're missing Juliette. The angel in the pink dress...

In case it needs interpretation, Juliette is screaming at the the sight of the big scary bunny and Trevor is covering his ears because the screaming is SO LOUD. Hayden is just posing away because when you're the oldest, your job is to keep posing on the off chance that the little ones might behave for a second so the picture can be taken.

This last shot is from the mall people. The best they could do under the circumstances. Juliette is still red faced and miserable, but not actually screaming or trying to climb off the bench. Oh well, better luck next year. I'm not holding my breath for the Santa pics this year.

Hope your Easter was a happy one.

Mad Skills...




Here is Miss J, in all her wobbly glory, stepping around the living room. Hopefully we can finally give those dirty knees a rest and start getting some use out of our adorable shoes. Note to self...stop buying baby shoes, really, just stop, enough already.

In other news, I made it through chemo round #4. We added a new drug this time, Avastin, which is one of the newer monoclonal antibodies which is supposed to target the cancer cells and turn off their ability to build new blood supplies. The side effects aren't too bad, my blood pressure is up a little. I did have a reaction to the oxaliplatin this time, just a little itching, but they jacked me up with benadryl and steroids. I don't know what it means yet in terms of my ability to continue taking the drug. I'm hoping we can stick with it a little longer at least.

We met with a surgeon last Monday and came up with a new plan. We're going to do 2 more rounds of chemo and then switch over to chemo/radiation. The chemo will be weekly infusions and daily pills. The radiation will be 5 days/week for 5 weeks. Then I'll get a 4-week break before they'll do surgery to remove the peritoneal implant. Then another 6-weeks recovery before we start back up with the chemo infusions every two weeks for another 6 cycles.

Then we see what happens...the surgeon wasn't overly optimistic...said that in cases like this they rarely see surgery as curative. He said the peritoneal implant won't kill me, but it's an indication of the spread of disease and that's the problem. So we'll do chemo for a while first to try to knock back the microscopic disease and then go after the tumor. He talked us out of pursuing the hot chemo surgery (HIPEC) for now. He said with just a single known implant instead of widespread peritoneal disease, the mortality rate from the HIPEC surgery itself isn't worth the risk.

So I'm excited to have a plan. Chemo, chemo/radiation, surgery, recovery, chemo...then a break. So maybe in November and December we can have some nice time with no treatments. I'm feeling a little worn these days with the cumulative effects of the chemo and working and everything else. But really, more good days than bad.

C3 Congressional Butt-in - March 31, 2009

On Tuesday, March 31st, take five minutes to call Congress in support of legislation that would create a National Colorectal Cancer Screening Program.

C3 has made it easy for you to call Congress.Simply dial 866-615-3375 and enter your ZIP code at the prompt.

You will be directly connected to the offices of your Members of Congress.
When your phone call is answered, you simply need to say, “I support the Colorectal Cancer Prevention, Early Detection and Treatment Act.” (Click here for a more detailed script.)

At the end of your phone call, DO NOT HANG UP. You will be reconnected back to the Butt-In line, where you can direct your calls to your remaining Members of Congress.

Please be sure to speak with all three of your Members of Congress.

The politics...

I'm sitting at MDACC waiting for my consultation with the surgical oncologist I've been waiting to see for what, 4 weeks? My appointment was at noon. It's now after 2 pm. Also waiting to see the same doctor is former Secretary of Commerce Don Evans (served in George Bush's Cabinet, resigned in 2004 with not so stellar legacy). His appointment was for 12:30. I'm passing the time playing solitaire on the iPod. He's trying to get speaking engagements and negotiate oil leases in the Middle East. We both are running late for other appointments now. But the difference between Secretary Evans and Lisa Marie McLaughlin is that when he gets tired of waiting he just tells them he's really important and now he's in to see the doctor and I get to wait here even longer. And listen to his staffer try to reschedule his other appointments by telling people how important he is. At least I don't have to listen to big Don insult Obama and his administration any more. I'm guessing he favors administrations where important people get special favors.

The Best Kind of Bums...

Are these ones:
Thanks to the crew affectionately known as the "Bums on the Run" who came out early on a cold Houston morning and walked/ran 5k to raise colon cancer awareness.

Poor dear Michele got tripped up at the end (some say I shoved her down to beat her to the finish line, I deny it) and was carrying 9-month old Brianna at the time. She fell hard on her right side to avoid injuring Brianna who was on her left. A few hours in the ER later and we get the news that she fractured her elbow, patella (kneecap) and tibia (shinbone). So she's home and only getting around by wheelchair.

I've got chemo round #4 this week. Misery loves company so I think I'll chill out in bed with Michele while I infuse.

Scan report…

I had a PET scan last week. It’s similar to a CT scan, but they inject you with a radioactive sugar (FDG) before the test. Since cancer cells tend to metabolize sugar faster than other parts of the body, the FDG should go to the cancer areas and those parts should “light up” on the scan. I’ve been waiting with some dread for the results of the scan because if others areas (liver, lungs, etc) lit up with metastases, it would likely mean that I wouldn’t be a candidate for any type of surgery.

Well, I don’t see the doctor again till next week, but I got them to fax me the radiology report and it showed nothing suspicious other than the tumor we already knew about. And that tumor…is smaller than it was last month. Can we all say “Yippee!” together? I’m so relieved.

Here’s the official lingo: “The only FDG-avid abnormality on this scan is the known biopsy-proven peritoneal implant in the Douglas space with maximum SUV of 7.2. When comparison is made with MRI of 02/12/2009, this implant has decreased in size from 3.5 x 2.1 cm to current dimension of 2.5 x 1.4 cm, suggestive of favorable response to chemotherapy.”

Just to clarify something I said on my last post…I was a little shocked by the surgeon who doesn’t take insurance, and it seems unfair that it isn’t open-access to everyone, but having to pay upfront isn’t going to impact our decision-making process. I’ve had many notes and generous offers of assistance for which I am very thankful, but we don’t need any financial help. We’re so fortunate to be well-equipped to fight this battle…physically, mentally, spiritually, financially…we have everything we need right now. But having all of your love and support means the world to us.

Without further delay...

I promised ages ago to put together a slideshow of the family pictures we had taken in January. Finally got my act together since I was ordering myself some big canvas prints from the annual March sale. So thought I would share some favorites, some of which you've seen.

A full-size slideshow can be found on my site.

Made it through another round of chemo this week. Much the same as the last round. Some nausea, some fatigue, but both were manageable. We were supposed to add a new drug this week, but that's been postponed until after my consultation with the surgical oncologist at the end of this month.

Side note, Sean got in touch with a surgeon in Washington DC about this HIPEC surgery that I've been looking into. Not sure where this might be headed, but was amused to hear that beyond being "very selective" about his patients, this particular doctor "doesn't deal with insurance companies". In other words, cash in advance, $25k+. You can submit a claim to your insurance after the fact and hold you breath to see if they pay. Must be nice. I'm going to start deciding that I don't want to deal with fundamental aspects of my profession. I wonder if I can say I "don't deal with contracts" at work. Seems about the same.

Interviews...

My friend Jaime sent me a questionnaire to do with the kids. The rules are that you can't coach them on the answers. Clearly, my children weren't coached...

Interview with Hayden Pierre Usher McLaughlin, age 6
1. What is something mom always says to you?
"I love you"

2. What makes mom happy?
"When I do things for her"

3. What makes mom sad?
"When I don't listen to her"

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
"Telling jokes"

5. What was your mom like as a child?
"A little girl"

6. How old is your mom?
"36..right mom? is that the true answer mom?"

7. How tall is your mom?
"I don't know...37 feet long...is that right? what's the answer?"

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
"Be on the computer"

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
"Play with Trevor"

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
"A race...like a marathon"

11. What is your mom really good at?
"Typing on the computer"

12. What is your mom not very good at?
"Memory game"

13. What does your mom do for a job?
"Work in her office"

14.What is your mom's favorite food?
"that margherita pizza at Pronto"

15.What makes you proud of your mom?
"when she's on a safe website on the computer"

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
"Like Wilmer [sic] on the Flintstones"

17. What do you and your mom do together?
"Go out together to pick stuff up from places"

18. How are you and your mom the same?
"We have the same face and the same color eyes."

19. How are you and your mom different?
"Because you're a woman and I'm a man"

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
"She kisses me goodnight every night"

21. What does your mom like most about your dad?
"When you two sleep together...that's what she likes"

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
"the drug store."

23. What do you like most about your mom?
"I like you...I just like every part of your body."

24. What do you like least about your mom?
"When you don't play with me."

25. Is there anything else you'd like to share about your mom?
"I love you so much...that's it mom."

Interview with Trevor Jacques Etienne McLaughlin, age 3 1/2

1 . What is something mom always says to you?

"Tell me a story"

2. What makes mom happy?

"I say I love you"

3. What makes mom sad?

"That you don't love me"

4. How does your mom make you laugh?

"You tell jokes to me"

5. What was your mom like as a child?

"you liked to play with me and I loved you and you put stamps on me"

6. How old is your mom?

"uh...6"

7. How tall is your mom?

"like this big (arms stretched wide)"

8. What is her favorite thing to do?

"play with me"

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?

"you just kinda stay here and sometimes go to work and sometimes your nurse comes"

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?

"Cause you're Lisa Marie!"

11. What is your mom really good at?

"Playing iPod"

12. What is your mom not very good at?

"you're not good at bowling...I'm good at bowling"

13. What does your mom do for a job?

"do it on the computer"

14.What is your mom's favorite food?

"apple...warm apple"

15.What makes you proud of your mom?

"I love you"

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?

"You would be Handy Manny"

17. What do you and your mom do together?

"Dance to music"

18. How are you and your mom the same?

"I'm big as you"

19. How are you and your mom different?

"We're different names"

20. How do you know your mom loves you?

"Cause you do...'cause you play with me"

21. What does your mom like most about your dad?

"Bugs...ladybugs"

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?

"Pronto"

23. What do you like most about your mom?

"I play with you."

24. What do you like least about your mom?

"That I don't play with you."

25. Is there anything else you'd like to share about your mom?

"That I love you"

Must find joy in the little things...
Like the Nu-Hope 8" Cool Comfort Support Belt with a 2 1/2" opening (pictured above). Soon to be delivered to my home for the low, low co-pay of $3.06. Good insurance: several hundred dollars a month. Finding a hernia support belt with a hole cutout? Priceless. Thanks for everyone's help and suggestions.

Trying so so so hard…

Not to whine and complain. Trying really, really, really hard. ‘Cause, let me tell you, with a 3 year old and a 6 year old in the house, I hear a lot of whining and complaining and it isn’t pleasant to the ears.

So the cancer, I’m dealing with it. It isn’t fun, surely we can agree on that, but what good will complaining do? Chemo last week was better. I got some new drugs to manage the nausea and vomiting and actually made it through the whole cycle without any food coming back up. Progress! Of course the steroids which are helping with the nausea are making me a little twitchy and aren’t particularly conducive to restful sleep. But I think Sean enjoys when I poke him in the back in the middle of the night to say “I can’t sleep” (seriously, the man deserves sainthood for putting up with me).

The kids are good, the chemo is manageable, my days are so much more good than bad…so what’s the problem? Well I seem to have torn open my abdominal muscle around my surgery site (I had about a 10 inch vertical incision in the middle of my abdomen). So I have a big fat abdominal hernia. Which makes it hurt to sit, stand, walk, breathe…you get the idea. Of course, I can’t have surgery because that would interrupt my chemo for ~10 weeks which isn’t a good idea. And they make lots of abdominal binders for hernias, but none that fit around a colostomy stoma. So I walk around like an idiot with my hands pressed against my stomach trying to keep my intestines from poking out of the hole in my abdominal muscle. Sound fun?

Last night I was having a coughing fit (at 11:30 pm, see note above about Sean needing sainthood) and desperately trying to press on the hernia so the coughing didn’t hurt so much. There may have been some profanity uttered, I can’t be certain. Finally, a light bulb went on over my head…Codeine…codeine is a cough suppressant…and a painkiller. Note to friends…never throw away prescription painkillers. Two vicodin and thirty minutes later, both Sean and I were sleeping peacefully. Obviously this strategy doesn’t work during daylight hours, but at least now I’m not whining about this blasted hernia 24 hours a day. Sixteen hours a day is plenty.