Interviews...

My friend Jaime sent me a questionnaire to do with the kids. The rules are that you can't coach them on the answers. Clearly, my children weren't coached...

Interview with Hayden Pierre Usher McLaughlin, age 6
1. What is something mom always says to you?
"I love you"

2. What makes mom happy?
"When I do things for her"

3. What makes mom sad?
"When I don't listen to her"

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
"Telling jokes"

5. What was your mom like as a child?
"A little girl"

6. How old is your mom?
"36..right mom? is that the true answer mom?"

7. How tall is your mom?
"I don't know...37 feet long...is that right? what's the answer?"

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
"Be on the computer"

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
"Play with Trevor"

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
"A race...like a marathon"

11. What is your mom really good at?
"Typing on the computer"

12. What is your mom not very good at?
"Memory game"

13. What does your mom do for a job?
"Work in her office"

14.What is your mom's favorite food?
"that margherita pizza at Pronto"

15.What makes you proud of your mom?
"when she's on a safe website on the computer"

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
"Like Wilmer [sic] on the Flintstones"

17. What do you and your mom do together?
"Go out together to pick stuff up from places"

18. How are you and your mom the same?
"We have the same face and the same color eyes."

19. How are you and your mom different?
"Because you're a woman and I'm a man"

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
"She kisses me goodnight every night"

21. What does your mom like most about your dad?
"When you two sleep together...that's what she likes"

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
"the drug store."

23. What do you like most about your mom?
"I like you...I just like every part of your body."

24. What do you like least about your mom?
"When you don't play with me."

25. Is there anything else you'd like to share about your mom?
"I love you so much...that's it mom."

Interview with Trevor Jacques Etienne McLaughlin, age 3 1/2

1 . What is something mom always says to you?

"Tell me a story"

2. What makes mom happy?

"I say I love you"

3. What makes mom sad?

"That you don't love me"

4. How does your mom make you laugh?

"You tell jokes to me"

5. What was your mom like as a child?

"you liked to play with me and I loved you and you put stamps on me"

6. How old is your mom?

"uh...6"

7. How tall is your mom?

"like this big (arms stretched wide)"

8. What is her favorite thing to do?

"play with me"

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?

"you just kinda stay here and sometimes go to work and sometimes your nurse comes"

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?

"Cause you're Lisa Marie!"

11. What is your mom really good at?

"Playing iPod"

12. What is your mom not very good at?

"you're not good at bowling...I'm good at bowling"

13. What does your mom do for a job?

"do it on the computer"

14.What is your mom's favorite food?

"apple...warm apple"

15.What makes you proud of your mom?

"I love you"

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?

"You would be Handy Manny"

17. What do you and your mom do together?

"Dance to music"

18. How are you and your mom the same?

"I'm big as you"

19. How are you and your mom different?

"We're different names"

20. How do you know your mom loves you?

"Cause you do...'cause you play with me"

21. What does your mom like most about your dad?

"Bugs...ladybugs"

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?

"Pronto"

23. What do you like most about your mom?

"I play with you."

24. What do you like least about your mom?

"That I don't play with you."

25. Is there anything else you'd like to share about your mom?

"That I love you"

Must find joy in the little things...
Like the Nu-Hope 8" Cool Comfort Support Belt with a 2 1/2" opening (pictured above). Soon to be delivered to my home for the low, low co-pay of $3.06. Good insurance: several hundred dollars a month. Finding a hernia support belt with a hole cutout? Priceless. Thanks for everyone's help and suggestions.

Trying so so so hard…

Not to whine and complain. Trying really, really, really hard. ‘Cause, let me tell you, with a 3 year old and a 6 year old in the house, I hear a lot of whining and complaining and it isn’t pleasant to the ears.

So the cancer, I’m dealing with it. It isn’t fun, surely we can agree on that, but what good will complaining do? Chemo last week was better. I got some new drugs to manage the nausea and vomiting and actually made it through the whole cycle without any food coming back up. Progress! Of course the steroids which are helping with the nausea are making me a little twitchy and aren’t particularly conducive to restful sleep. But I think Sean enjoys when I poke him in the back in the middle of the night to say “I can’t sleep” (seriously, the man deserves sainthood for putting up with me).

The kids are good, the chemo is manageable, my days are so much more good than bad…so what’s the problem? Well I seem to have torn open my abdominal muscle around my surgery site (I had about a 10 inch vertical incision in the middle of my abdomen). So I have a big fat abdominal hernia. Which makes it hurt to sit, stand, walk, breathe…you get the idea. Of course, I can’t have surgery because that would interrupt my chemo for ~10 weeks which isn’t a good idea. And they make lots of abdominal binders for hernias, but none that fit around a colostomy stoma. So I walk around like an idiot with my hands pressed against my stomach trying to keep my intestines from poking out of the hole in my abdominal muscle. Sound fun?

Last night I was having a coughing fit (at 11:30 pm, see note above about Sean needing sainthood) and desperately trying to press on the hernia so the coughing didn’t hurt so much. There may have been some profanity uttered, I can’t be certain. Finally, a light bulb went on over my head…Codeine…codeine is a cough suppressant…and a painkiller. Note to friends…never throw away prescription painkillers. Two vicodin and thirty minutes later, both Sean and I were sleeping peacefully. Obviously this strategy doesn’t work during daylight hours, but at least now I’m not whining about this blasted hernia 24 hours a day. Sixteen hours a day is plenty.

Eleven...

That's the number of steps Juliette took last night in her walk across the living room. And the video camera? Nowhere to be found.

Correction...

Apparently, the stats quoted in my post about Dress in Blue day were inaccurate. Shocking...not everything you read on the internet is true, even if it comes from fairly reputable websites.

According to the person who manages my colon cancer list on ACOR.org (fantastic source, by the way)...

"The American Cancer Society Facts and Figures reported 40,480 deaths from breast cancer in 2008 and 49,960 from colorectal cancer.

The Kaiser Foundation Global Health Facts reported 22,000 deaths from AIDS in the United States in 2007. I cannot find a number for 2008, but assume that it is reasonably near that number.

40,480 plus 22,000 equals 62.480 -- considerably more than the 49,960 US colorectal cancer deaths.

Worldwide the numbers are bigger: AIDS will kill at least 2,000,000 people according to the World Health Organization, breast cancer 519,000, and colorectal cancer 639,000

Nearly 50,000 deaths from colon and rectal cancer is scary enough. I think we need to be very careful in making comparisons to other diseases to support colorectal cancer awareness."

Dress in Blue Day

When is Dress in Blue Day?
It is celebrated on the first Friday of March. In 2009, Dress in Blue Day will be held on Friday, March 6th.

What is the purpose of Dress in Blue Day?
The purpose of Dress in Blue Day is to promote awareness about colorectal cancer and encourage people to get screened.

Why do we need to raise awareness of Colorectal Cancer?
Because: Colorectal cancer is the #2 cause of death in the U.S.
This year in the United States, colorectal cancer will kill as many people as breast cancer and AIDS combined.
Over 150,000 Americans will be diagnosed with colorectal cancer each year.
Colorectal cancer often has no symptom at all until it’s at an advanced stage.
Colorectal cancer is 90% preventable when detected early.
You can reduce your risk through regular screening.
Beginning at age 50 (or earlier if you have a family history), everyone should be screened for colorectal cancer.

How can I/my organization participate in Dress in Blue Day?
Individuals, businesses and community groups are all encouraged to participate in Dress in Blue Day, by encouraging friends, family, co-workers and other members of their organization to wear blue. By getting people to talk about Colorectal Cancer, and learning about ways to prevent this # 2 cause of cancer death in the U.S., you could save a life -- maybe even your own.

What is the history behind Dress in Blue Day?
Dress in Blue Day was started in March of 2006 by a Colon Cancer Alliance volunteer, Anita Mitchell. In an effort to raise awareness about the importance of screening, Anita worked with her children's local k-8 Catholic school and parents to coordinate a recognition day. On that day, students, who normally wore a uniform to school, were allowed to wear blue if they donated a dollar to colon cancer research. To promote the event, Anita sent a notice to each of the 500 families at the school, letting them know about the special day and included some simple screening guidelines for the parents. When the children came to school on Dress in Blue Day they were each given a blue ribbon, signifying their participation.

Sorry internet...

I fear I got your hopes up a bit. But it isn't a fibroid or a cyst or even a wad on undigested bubble gum that I swallowed when I was 5...it's a tumor...a nice big metastasis. The radiologist I saw today (thanks to my fabulous connections who get me in for next day appointments - Love ya' Jason) says I should see a gynecological surgical oncologist because he'd want the whole mess cut out - tumor, uterus, ovaries. I'm with him. Menopause at 36, that'll be a hoot. At least Sean will never have to go to the store for a box of tampons again.

Still Standing...

And the winner of chemo round 1...it's a draw. Chemo gave me a pretty good beatdown on days 3 and 4, but I bounced back and am feeling relatively strong and ready to go into the next round. The most discouraging moment was on day 3 when I was feeling pretty crummy and went to have my pump disconnected and the nurse said "It gets worse every time". Thanks pal, I needed something to look forward to.

My next round is now slated to start on Wednesday, March 4th if my bloodwork looks good. In the meantime, I'm busy plotting and strategizing on how to kick cancer's ass.

I'm working on getting some more scans done to look inside and try to figure out what's what in there. Cysts, hemangiomas, tumors, fibroids...the possibilities are endless for all these "lesions" and "densities". My most recent ultrasound has led the team at MDACC to conclude that the junk (I like to wow you with the official medical terminology) on my left ovary is a cyst. Just a big honkin' cyst. Not a separate malignant implant. So that's good news. Less cancer is always better, right?

We have some potentially new hypotheses on the peritoneal mass. I'm hoping that another ultrasound and perhaps a biopsy will clarify things. Maybe, just maybe, the mass is somthing other than a metastasis of my cancer. I'm really not wanting to get my hopes up, but that could be huge. So we pray for the best and prepare for the worst. Speaking of praying, let's pray that they can get to the mass to biopsy it without "rectal laparoscopy", 'cuz just between you and me, that doesn't sound fun at all.

In the meantime, I'm trying to get a consulation with a surgical oncologist on a procedure called HIPEC. My internet friends with colon cancer say it's all the rage. Actually, it's a pretty specialized surgery that very few people do, but it has had some success with colon cancers with peritoneal metastasis.

They basically slice you open, cut out all the visible cancer or suspected cancer in your abdomen, removing everything suspicious (might wake up without ovaries or a uterus, but hey, I'm through with those anyways). Then, while they've still got you open, they pump your abdomen full of HOT chemotherapy solution and slosh it around for a while. Then they close you up and you feel really, really crummy for a while. Then you live till you're 95 and your grandchildren are sick of you. I made up that part at the end. Really, the curative numbers are still not high, but better than chemotherapy alone.

So that's what's going on. Nothing to get excited about. Who knows if I'd even be a candidate for the surgery. And I have to go through my oncologist to get to the one surgical oncologist at MDACC who does this procedure. And who knows, if the peritoneal mass isn't malignant, I wouldn't even need to think about it...but I'm trying to keep all my irons in the fire.

Chemo day 1

Not so bad overall. Got my bolus doses of oxaliplatin and 5-FU over about a 4 1/2 hour period along with some meds to manage the side effects. Lots of lines and bags. Slept a bit early on from one of the meds (some anti-anxiety stuff I think). Biggest complaints: no wireless or cell phone service and Sean somehow broke my laptop about 20 min into "Love Actually". Since I didn't have a contingency plan, this left me with nothing to do except the needlepoint bookmark kit I found in the lobby. So next time I'll be better prepared with low tech entertainment like books and magazines.

So now I'm infusing the 5-FU (who besides me gets a chuckle from the name?) at home for another 46 hours. Then I go back to MDACC on Friday afternoon to get disconnected. So really, everything is better than expected so far. I hope the nausea stays manageable even off the IV meds. The nurse said the fatigue from the oxaliplatin typically kicks in about 24 hours after infusion. So Trevor and I have some nap appointments scheduled. I think we're up to the task.

Raincheck...

Did we say chemo today? Oh sorry, the schedule didn't work out. Come back tomorrow.

Now the fun begins...

Met with the oncologist today. She had the results from the MRI, which seem to confirm metastatic disease in my pelvic area and perhaps on one of my ovaries. Which solidifies my staging at Stage 4. Which unfortunately means the path ahead is an attempt to prolong my survival, rather than cure the disease. She said that with chemo, mean survival is 24-30 months. Without chemo, maybe 6-12 months. So clearly, we're proceeding with the chemo. Which starts...tomorrow.

She said that 60-70% of patients show response to the chemo. The plan is to hammer away with FOLFOX + Avastin (one of the newer biologically targeted drugs) for two months and then do another CT scan to see if the tumors are larger, smaller, or the same. Then we reassess whether to continue with the same drugs or change course. If the metastatic disease shows enough response and is localized enough, perhaps someday they could attempt a surgical resection. That is really my greatest hope at this point. But first we have to go at things with the chemo because we really can't pinpoint all the places this disease has taken a foothold.

The chemo schedule is about the same, 3 days of infusion every two weeks. The only difference is that there is no defined endpoint, no six months...just as long as it works, or as long as the benefits are greater than the side effects.

What do I want? What are our prayers? I want the chemo and Avastin to work. I pray that they are effective in seeking out and destroying the disease in my body. I'm hopeful that I'm able to tolerate the drugs without significant side effects that would cause us to have to back off or discontinue treatment. And as much as anything, I want to be able to enjoy every day with my precious family and friends and not feel so sick that I can't cherish the gifts that I have in each day.

I'm sure you'll all understand if I can't muster the energy to take a stab at something lighthearted tonight. My heart really feels a little heavy today.

Equal Opportunity Embarrassment...

Just so you know, I'm a big fan of Valentine's day. Specifically I enjoy sending out Valentine's pictures of the kids. Like Hayden's back in 2004...
And Trevor in 2007...

Trevor decided to don the cupid gear again this year in hopes of being the cover boy on yet another Valentine...

But he was overtaken by Juliette, who was the only one who could fit in the gold diaper this year...

I did manage a group shot for the other side of the Valentine...

Wishing you and yours much love on this day and always.

Out of surgery...

So far so good. Lots of itching with the pre-op antibiotics. Surgeon couldn't place port in my jugular as preferred due to scar tissue (???). So he went subclavian which has higher risk of pinching and blood clots. He puts 95% in the jugular. You had to know I'd fall in the 5%...let's just hope that falling in the minority stats holds out for me.

Exhausted...

I made it through my marathon day at MD Anderson (which will henceforth be referred to as MDACC). Started at 7:15 am, finished around 7 pm. I need to be back tomorrow at 7:15 am. The MRI was the worst part, but it truly wasn't that bad. Just 2 straight hours of lying flat on my back on a hard surface in a ridiculously loud machine. I think the fact that I had absolutely nothing else to distract me made me focus on the discomfort in my back obsessively. Oh, and the itch on my nose I was dying to scratch for 1.5 hours.

I felt good meeting with the doctor for the port surgery. Despite the fact that the thing gets threaded into my jugular vein. That just sounds scary, doesn't it?. This guy has done 5000 ports or something ridiculous and has a really low record of complications. So hopefully no collapsed lung this time, right?

The only downside is that I can't pick Juliette (or the boys) up for 3 weeks while my port heals. So I have to teach Hayden how to pick her up out of her crib or something. As for how to get her into the high chair...I dunno...guess she'll have to eat on the floor if I'm the only one home. The dogs should enjoy that arrangement.

Oh, Sean had to leave me on my own at MDACC for a few hours today because I sent him to take Trevor to the pediatrician. He's been running a fever since Monday night. It's nothing...just pneumonia...my baby has pneumonia!!! Probably caught it from me last week. Thanks mom. He's taking it like a champ though.

No Soup for You...

We met with the oncologist at Baylor yesterday about enrolling in the clinical trial. First, I must say, that doctors just can't win. When I go to a doctor's office and it's crowded and I wait for an hour, I'm really frustrated. This office was empty, they brought me into an exam room, took my vitals, and the doctor came in immediately. And I found myself wondering, "Why isn't he busier? Maybe he's not a good doctor."

But I generally liked the guy. He took my medical history, went through the basics of the trial, and everything was looking good until we handed over the report from my last CT scan. There was a little excerpt that seemed to stop him in his tracks. Something like "There is a nodular area of soft tissue density in the prerectal space...measuring 3.3 x 2.1 cm. This is probably a focus of peritoneal disease...There is some increased density along the superior aspect of the left ovary that could be part of the ovary or could be a separate implant."

So...the trial is restricted to Stage 3 patients. To qualify for the trial, you have to be enrolled within 8 weeks of your surgery. This oncologist said there's no way to prove that I'm NOT stage 4 in that time frame. He said the MRI this week won't really give a definitive answer. The only way you can really tell if these densities and nodules are cancer is with a biopsy or surgery. He did contact the principal researcher on the trial to check and they confirmed that he can't enroll me with this most recent scan data. But it was nice that he called me personally to follow-up within 24 hours. Wish I got that kind of treatment everywhere.

So that's that. No clinical trial. At least not a clinical trial for Stage 3 colon cancer. If I'm stage 4 there's trials aplenty to consider.

Everyone wants an update on work. Work is fine...better than fine...good. It actually feels good to have a little more routine and put on some makeup and wear something other than sweatpants. And everyone is super-supportive and nobody is expecting me to push myself beyond my capabilities. So really, it's all good.

Speaking of all good, I would have gotten cancer years ago if I'd have known I'd get all sorts of loot. Actually, they tell me that I did get cancer years ago, so why the delay on the loot? Flowers, cards, gift cards, food...it just keeps coming. But you people seem to know me well enough not to send herbal tea and exercise books. Here's a sampling of things that have arrived.

Nothing says "fight cancer" like 10 lbs. of Jelly Belly sour mix...
Except perhaps 5+ lbs. of Twizzlers...

And if you're looking for entertainment, you'd probably find these gems on a list of the top 20 worst movies of the 1980s...

Of course, this one is practically a work of art. Must have swept the Academy Awards in 1985. "My tapes...my Julio Iglesias tapes...Ruined!!!" Classic, really.

Oh, and if you didn't get your fill from the 10 lbs of Jelly Bellys above, perhaps a skunk or vomit flavored jelly bean would tickle your fancy? Nothing fights chemo-nausea like rotten egg and moldy cheese jelly beans.

And finally, the piece de resistance...sending me positive E=mc^2 energy is my new Albert Einstein Chia Pet. Ch-ch-ch-chia cures ca-ca-ca-cancer!

Hi Ho, Hi Ho...

It's off to work I go. Tomorrow. For the first time since December 19th.

I'm only 5 weeks out from my surgery and my surgeon recommended a 6-week recovery, but it seems that the company that manages our short term disability can't do the math quite right. I'm feeling okay about it though, just a little concerned about my energy level. Oh, and the fact that none of my clothes probably fit. But I'll deal with that in the morning.

Busy week overall. Meeting with the oncologist at Baylor tomorrow to see about the clinical trial. Then Tuesday I have a follow-up appointment with my surgeon. Thursday we're at MD Anderson all day: anesthesia assessment, pre-op bloodwork, MRI. Then Friday is outpatient surgery to put in my chemo port.

Somehow, I'm still hoping to make it to Hayden's birthday party on Friday afternoon. I told him I might not make it to the party and he said, "It's OK Mom, they'll have Wii." Good to know I can be completely replaced by a video game.

Hey y'all...

Think my munchkin is ready to audition for HeeHaw?
Seriously, you think he's going to be mad when his girlfriend finds this picture on the internet in 15 years?

Remember when...

I didn't post anything on this blog except self-indulgent pictures of my children? Ahhh...the good old days. We had family pictures taken last week by our very brilliant dear friend Mackenzie. Thought I should share at least one...

See now there, I don't look a bit sick, do I? So you can stop imagining me bald and bed-ridden.

I've never liked CATs...

Always been a dog person. Now I know why. The distasteful CAT scan from last week which produced the not-so-fun allergic reaction also bought me a call from the oncologist at MD Anderson today.

The scan shows some "densities" within my liver and "nodular areas" within my pelvis. She said the nodules in the pelvis could be artifacts from my recent surgery. The liver? She's setting up an MRI to learn more. If it's malignant, that puts me in stage 4. Four out of four...like three out of four just wasn't good enough. Of course, we don't know anything yet. Because the CAT scan isn't definitive. So now we just wait and worry.

On the bright side (must have a bright side, must have a bright side, she repeats to herself)...if I'm stage 4 I don't have to mess around with this clinical trial. All the good drugs are approved for people with stage 4. Because they've all been tested on people with stage 4 cancer. Because when you're down to an 8% 5-year survival rate, you can throw out all the rules and go at it guns a-blazin'. So I might get that cetuximab and make my insurance company pay for it after all. So there!

By the way, I love it that so many of you are concerned and call to check on me. And I'm happy to talk, tell you about the kids, find out about your life. But I'm kind of over the cancer talk. I'll really strive to post everything I know out here, brutally honest for the all the world to see. But then I'm spent. I can't go over it again and again. OK?

Changing course?

After our meeting with the oncologist at MD Anderson last week, I've been doing more thinking and research. The only chemotherapy they've offered me is FOLFOX, a combination of 3 drugs that are the approved standard of care for Stage III colon cancer. That lovely standard of care that produces a 44% 5-year survival rate. I asked about some other, newer drugs that I've read about that are molecularly targeted therapies. Specifically, there's a drug called cetuximab, which is approved to treat stage 4 colon cancer (once it's metasticized to distant organs). For my technically-oriented friends, I put a little more info on cetuximab below.

So what does this mean for me? Well, there's a clinical trial going on at hospitals across the country to compare results between FOLFOX alone and FOLFOX+cetuximab in stage 3 colon cancer patients. The trial isn't being run at MD Anderson, but Baylor's cancer center here in Houston is a trial site. So I've been talking to them. There's a pretty narrow window for enrollment and a specific criteria. I have to be less than 8 weeks post-op and I'm 3 1/2 weeks right now.

So what do I want to happen?

• I want to get accepted into the trial.
• I want my insurance to pay for my treatment in the trial (or at least the vast majority of it). In general, they don't cover clinical trials, but hopefully they'd cover all the costs related to the standard chemo and we might have to pick up the costs to administer the cetuximab (the drug itself is free since it's a trial).
• I want to win the coin flip. Trial participants get randomly assigned to one of the two study groups. So I could enroll and it's still 50-50 that I'd just get the standard chemo. And I really, really, really want the cetuximab.
• I want this all to happen really fast.

I know this may sound flip-floppy. I really wanted to get in to see an oncologist at MD Anderson, but when I did, they only offered me the same chemo I could get anywhere else. And honestly, I know that's all they have approved, but I'd sure like something more effective. I just don't like the odds. Maybe my cancer would respond really well to that treatment regimen. But maybe not. In the majority of people, it doesn't work. I just want something better. From everything I read I honestly believe that cetuximab will be approved as part of the standard of care for stage 3 colon cancer within the next 10 years. But I can't wait that long. So send all your positive energy, thoughts, and prayers and we'll see if we can't stack the deck in our favor a little bit.

From The American Cancer Society's Complete Guide to Colorectal Cancer...
Cetuximab is what's called a monoclonal antibody and it fits, like a key into a lock, into epidermal growth factor receptors (EGFRs) on the surface of a cancer cell. When it fills these receptors, the epidermal growth factor has no place to attach. This makes the EGFR unable to activate the cell and it stops the cancer cell from growing. Unlike chemo, that just goes and kills everything in sight, this type of therapy is more specific and targeted to the cancer cells. Cetuximab alone and in combination with other drugs has been repeatedly shown to shrink tumors in patients with advanced colorectal cancer whose tumors grew despite standard chemo.

One down, one to go...

Trevor had a little mishap today. He leaned against the chair at the computer desk, it swiveled, he lost his balance and hit his face against the desk. So those wiggly teeth that we were hoping to preserve...
Well, #1 has bid adeiu to his mouth and #2 is likely to follow sooner rather than later.

Trevor's first question (between tears)..."Will the tooth fairy come tonight and leave money under my pillow?" Yes indeedy, so glad he's a glass half full kind of kid. He's not grimacing in pain here, just trying to show me all his teeth.

And by the way, in case you have a spare tooth lying around, apparently they make a handy stylus for the IPOD touch.

How relieved am I that we had our family pictures taken yesterday?

A non-post

OK, so I said I'd post today, but I'm not up to it. CT scan itself went OK (if you disregard having to drink 30 oz. of barium "smoothie). But I must be allergic to the iodine contrast, because a few hours later my whole torso was bright red and incredibly itchy. And I've got a fever which adds chills and aches to my list of reasons that computer time isn't on my list tonight.

Let's just hope tomorrow is better because a certain handsome boy is turning 6 tomorrow and I want to help him have a great day.

A plan...

So we met with the oncologist today, it was a long day and I'm very tired. I didn't realize that it wasn't just a meeting with the doctor, but paperwork first, meeting with the P.A., meeting with the oncologist, the off for bloodwork, then x-rays, then a CT scan. They were backed up in CT and it looked like I might not get in till 8 pm so I bailed out and will go back tomorrow for that. Ah, the luxury of living 2 miles away. Given my exhaustion, I'll just give the highlights and maybe elaborate tomorrow.

They're scheduling me to have a port put in, probably in about 2 weeks. In the meantime, I'll be having a scope done on the remaining portion of my colon to see if there are any other polyps or tumors (they couldn't scope past the tumor before). The CT will give them more info about the lesions on my liver and make certain there isn't any metastasis to my lungs or other organs. Assuming the liver, lungs, etc. are clear, I stay classified as Stage IIIC and start my chemo, probably in early February.

I'll be doing chemo every two weeks for 6 months, so twelve cycles total (I know my mathematically challenged friends appreciate that kind of help, right?). I'll go into MD Anderson for the first day of the infusion, then come home with a pump that will continue chemo for another 46 hours at home. Then I bring the pump back in and I'm done till the next cycle. Except for the side effects, which can fill your days with all kinds of fun between cycles. The chemo regimen I'm doing is called FOLFOX. I'll elaborate more on the actual drugs and side effects tomorrow. For today, I've become quite aware that although I'm feeling much less pain these days, I'm so prone to exhaustion from the smallest exertion. Of course, it didn't help that I stayed up till 3 am last night reading a trashy Twilight novel that Kathryn gave me. But regardless of who's to blame (either cancer or Kathryn, definitely not me), sleep is calling.

Trevor says...

"I love you to the car wash and to the bayou and to the ground and to the street and to the clouds and to outer space and to the moon and to Jupiter and back to the house and back to the bayou and back to outer space and that's it."

And that's plenty if you ask me.

Sweet...

My friends Buck and Kerri sent a cookie bouquet the other day. Didn't know you were allowed to write such PG-13 messages on cookies.
Sweet nonetheless.

Hayden has been gone to stay with Renee and Marissa since Saturday morning. Since Monday is a school holiday, he won't be back till tomorrow. It's so much quieter without him. Trevor says he misses Hayden, but I think he's actually enjoying being the oldest for a change. As usual, Hayden doesn't seem to miss us a bit. We had a brief phone call last night, but I'd guess that was more Renee's idea than his.

Juliette's top molars have broken through. The bottom ones are still working, but thankfully the last few nights have been a little more peaceful. Hope I'm not jinxing myself by saying that out loud.

I had visitors Friday and Saturday and I think I'm still wiped out from it. I feel pretty good right now, and have even gone a few whole days Vicodin-free, but I tire really easily. Hayden's birthday is Friday and ages ago I signed up to read in his classroom in the morning. So I'm trying to gather my energy to actually do it. It's like Pee-Wee's big adventure, except without Large Marge hopefully.

Briefly...

Finally confirmed my appointment with the new oncologist. Seeing her next Wednesday afternoon. And it looks like she's "in-network" on my insurance plan. Could I be so lucky?

In other news, Juliette slept through the night last night for the first time in forever (well, not forever, she slept through the night from 4 weeks - 1 year and then something went awry about a month ago).

Hayden has seen his favorite preschool girlfriend 3 days in a row and he's beside himself. He gets all, "Mom, leave me alone" when I try to tease him about it, but then he says "I'm seeing her again tomorrow" and he can't hide the delight on his face.

Trevor has announced that after he's done with preschool, he doesn't want to go to kindergarten. "Why?", Sean asks. "I don't know how to stay on green," Trevor replies. Hayden's teacher has this red-yellow-green conduct system and Hayden has proudly stayed on green the whole school year so far. Trevor is already doubtful about his ability to behave so well. Honestly, I've got a few doubts myself (especially if he and Logan end up in the same class), but I think we can live with a few wild yellow or red days.

Breaking the Silence...

I appreciate everyone's respect as we took a little time to digest the situation. I can't say it isn't disturbing, but it doesn't change my resolve. So onward we march...

I saw the surgeon today for a follow-up appointment. He removed my staples (I thought there were 17, but I think it was actually 19 or 20). I've lost about 15-20 pounds from my normal weight and he made some recommendations to try to regain some weight before I start chemo.

He said that the healing from the surgery appears to be going well. He confirmed that the disfigurement (puckering, crookedness, lack of navel) in my scar was really a necessary product of the hernia that was challenging to repair. Down the road, post-chemo, post-colostomy reversal, it can be repaired/improved with another surgery that would put some type of mesh in my abdominal muscles, but that's pretty far down the road.

The surgeon was concerned/disappointed by the pathology results. He recommended that I see an oncologist at MD Anderson, which is still a work in progress. They have my records now and we're working on the next step. The surgeon also said that I still need to have the rest of my colon scoped to make sure there are no more polyps or tumors. Since I had a complete obstruction in my sigmoid colon, they were only able to scope a small portion of my colon in the hospital. So he recommended that in 2 weeks or so, after the stoma from my colostomy is securely healed in place, that they go in and scope the rest of me. Hopefully that is uneventful and doesn't lead to discoveries that would require additional surgeries.

I met with the oncologist who was assigned to me at the hospital. Even though I don't feel like I will pursue treatment through his office, I'm going to continue under his care till I have a relationship established with another oncologist. This doctor would like to put in a port for my chemo next week and have a PET scan done to check for any hotspots that may be malignant and require additional surgeries before my chemo. I'll probably stall on this so I can have it done by the facility that will ultimately be coordinating my treatment. The oncologist indicated he would recommend a 6 month course of chemo, with treatments for 3 days every 2 weeks. He said the treatment will be pretty aggressive and that I should assume that I'll lose my hair. So wig shopping we will go...

That's about all for now. Thanks for all the kind thoughts, prayers, notes, food, and gifts. It all means so much to us to be surrounded by all your love and support.

The path...

The oncologist just called us with the pathology results. We really haven't had time to digest it all, and you can look up with stats as well as I can, but suffice it to say the news wasn't good.

The tumor was large, about 3 cm x 4 cm. It did not penetrate the lining of the bowel, but it was almost there. 9 out of the 19 lymph nodes biopsied showed malignancies. They were able to get a clean resection of the tumor itself, both the margins were negative for cancer.

The cancer cells themselves were grade 2 out of 4, so they weren't a very high grade.

The staging is T3N2. This means stage 3 with more than 4 lymph nodes involved.

I think I'm not really in the mood for rah-rah, good cheer, pick-me-up, enthusiastic comments right now. So it's OK to say nothing at all. Maybe we'll just all have a moment of silence.

A First...

First full day at home.

First post-surgery shower.

First visit from the home-health nurse.

First time to show the kids my 17 staples (BTW, Dr. McApathetic, would have been nice if you'd left me with a belly button. I know "it wasn't cosmetic surgery", but still, you didn't have to leave me a total freak show).

First time to feed one of my babies a bottle of formula (hard, very, very, inexplicably heartbreaking, but at least I'm here to hold her).

First of many naps with Trevor in the big bed.

First totally unexpected care package from a girl from my high school -- Cosmo and nail polish -- I love Facebook.

All in all it was a good day. Still nothing from pathology. It's hard to have cancer and not know the staging or path forward. I'm a do-something, let's go, impatient kind of gal. So this will be a much-needed lesson in patience for me. We'll take it as it comes.

I haven't really said enough specifically about what a rock Sean has been through all this. It makes me verklempt just to think of how steady he has been by my side, being my voice to the doctors and nurses, being gentle when I didn't deserve it, not flinching at things that would have sent many a lesser man running for the door. It means so much to have someone you can completely trust, completely count on, a partner as if that word was enough. In sickness even more than in health. How did I get so lucky?

I watched a little Oprah today. She said that if you're breathing without a machine, you can start by being thankful for your breath. I can do so much more than breathe. I can walk and talk and type and hug and eat and laugh and make sarcastic comments about the hospital staff. So please don't feel sorry for me. I'm here surrounded by people I love and getting messages of love from so many dear people near and far. And I had at least 20 things make me smile today. And I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Hope you're doing the same.

LM

Home sweet home...

Finally made it home. Waited for hours upon hours to be taken to have my central line removed (by the way, ouch!). Made it home around six and had 10 minutes at the dinner table with the kids before I collapsed.

Trevor was super cuddly, Juliette was a little under the weather, and Hayden is Mr. Independent. But the dogs? I'm guessing they were exiled from the big bed by Grandma Denise in my absence so they were absolutely overjoyed by my return. I think a few weeks of convalescence will be right up their alley. They've pretty much been rehearsing for this their whole lives.

Never thought I would get so much pleasure from laying my head on my own pillow. It's better than Vicodin. Sweet dreams.

LM

E-mail...

Since I'll be out of work for a while, I've given my boss full access to my email. So please send all personal notes to my Yahoo address rather than my Chevron e-mail. Thanks.

LM

Still no news from pathology. The waiting is hard. Sean made some phone calls to MD Anderson today to start the process for them to review all my records and give their chemo/treatment plan recommendation. Apparently, if you don't start your treatment there, they won't take you as a patient until you've finished your recommended treatment with you original hospital/physician. And while the oncologist here seems on his game and is very attentive, I'd just feel more comfortable with someone with more experience treating this particular type of cancer in someone my age.

They say that for the tumor to have gotten to the point it did (completely obstructing my colon), it would have been growing there for 10-15 years. It's just hard to think that this cancer has been there since before Sean and I started dating, before I ever carried any of my precious babies. Just lurking, growing. They say the kids need to start having colonoscopies in their mid-20s. Poor things. What a genetic gift, eh?

Today has been a little challenging. They took me off all my IV pain meds at once, trying to prep me for going home tomorrow. I went from total NPO at midnight, to trying to force down food and drink in an effort towards independence. After almost 2 weeks of not eating or drinking, I think it's going to take a little time to regain an appetite. And then there was the reality of the colostomy, which is really more reality than I wanted to deal with on a day with no Toradol or morphine.

But tomorrow's another day, hopefully a day where I can go home and the babies won't be scared of me. I've been sitting in this bed staring at pictures of their sweet faces just wishing I could hold them without all these wires in the way. Tomorrow, whatever else comes, will bring the cuddles I need.

LM

Haven't slept a wink...

Despite a 12:30 am dose of Benadryl and a 1:30 am dose of Toradol. I'm not in substantial pain, just itchy, sweaty, and wide awake.

I even had the nurse draw my bloodwork at 1:30 am so she wouldn't have to wake me at 4 am like she usually does. Yet, here I lie, wide awake at 4 am.

I've been overwhelmed by everyone's generosity over the past week. The countless expressions of love and thoughtfulness, small and large, have meant so much to me. I know I couldn't do any of this without the support of my family and so many of you have expanded and redefined what it truly means to be a family. I feel rich in the truest sense to be blessed with so many lovely souls in my life. Thanks for being my backbone when I needed it most.

LM

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

She had a pretty rough night last night. The pain in her back was pretty significant and she couldn"t pump those pain killers in fast enough. It seems the hospital has this thing about people OD'ing so they only let you get a dose once every 10 minutes by pushing the button. Of course, that doesn"t mean you can't push the button 10 or 20 times every 10 minutes in the hope of receiving a bonus dose.

And if the pain wasn't bad enough, about 4:30 she began having a lot of difficulty breathing. They began to be concerned that the pneumothorax wasn't improving so they got out the old scalpel and were preparing to cut a hole in her side to stick a tube into her lung to prevent it from collapsing. Well that prospect didn't have much of a calming effect on her breathing. Fortunately before any of that happened they took another x-ray and decided that the pneumothorax was improving and they held off. Come to find out, the whole punctured lung thing was unnecessary since the assistant surgeon said that the second central line near her collar bone was done by the anesthiologist without the surgeon's knowledge and against the surgeons' wishes. Sounded like somebody got a good chewing out.

OK. That's the weeping endureth for a night part. The joy cometh in the morning part started about 8:30 am. About 30 minutes after receiving a shot of Toradol for pain and Benadryl for a rash that she usually seems to get after anesthesia, she suddenly said "I can breathe. It's not so hard anymore.". After about 4 hours of struggling to breathe and worrying about them having to cut you and poke a tube in your lung, that was indeed good news. Next, the surgical team came in again and provided another very positive report. They looked all around while they had her open and said again that the tumor they removed showed no signs of being attached to any other organ. The liver, spleen, ovaries, uterus, and rest of the colon and intestines all looked good. The lymph nodes they took out also looked normal. We still have to wait for the pathology results but it was joyful news after a night of weeping. The doctors seemed cautiously confident and very reassuring and that made us both feel very good.

Other joys since the sun came up include the removal of the NG tube, oxygen mask and catheter, and also that she stood up and walked to the chair in the room. Later on she intends to walk in the hall.

This now concludes my first post done entirely on a Blackberry. (Yes,the Blackberry issue was resolved. I'd rather not say how.). I don't think I'll ever become a Crackberry addict like some people I know who will remain nameless, but it is nice to be able to stay in touch with friends and family and read the many words of encouragement and support. And a belated Happy New Year to all.

I think it's a little surreal that most of you knew my appendix was gone before I did. I overheard Sean telling someone on the phone.

Anyways, I've got the Blackberry back up and running. But not up to typing more than a line or two.

LM

Hate, hate, hate the Blackberry.

They wheeled LM into the OR at 7:42 this morning. The surgeon came to talk to me at 10:00. He said everything went well. He took out ~8-10" of colon. The suspicious looking spots on her liver that showed up during an x-ray a few days ago didn't look suspicious upon examination during surgery so they opted not to biopsy those. He said the liver looked good, the spleen looked good, the rest of the bowels and intestines looked good.

Her colon was swollen and clearly had been obstructed for some time. There was some evidence that her stool had contacted the appendix so to reduce the risk of infection/appendicitis they removed the appendix while they were in the neigborhood. A colostomy was installed and a hernia was repaired.

She'll have an NG tube down her throat for a day. She also has an oxygen mask because apparently they nicked her lung (pnuemothorax) a couple of days ago when they installed the central feeding line near her neck and don't want her lung to collapse. If it doesn't heal by tomorrow they may put a tube in through her side between a couple of ribs.

They will try to get her up and walking tomorrow and may start her on liquids tomorrow or the next day if everything looks ok. They expect her to stay ~5 days in the hospital. Not sure when the pathology results (for colon and lymph nodes) will be received, hopefully by the end of the week. With the holiday yesterday and the weekend coming, they expect a backlog on Monday but the oncologist said he will try to expedite things.

She has been in quite a bit of pain this afternoon and is giving the PCA machine a real workout, clicking the button every couple of minutes to get her morphine fix (although it only works once every 10 minutes). But it seems to be her back more than the stomach area. They have just given her another injection for pain and she is resting better now.

We thank everyone for the prayers, text messages, calls, and flowers. If I wouldn't have somehow screwed up her blackberry, I would have posted this 6 hours ago. I am at home doing this. ABOUT THE FLOWERS, although we do appreciate them and they are lovely, please do not send anymore now, the room we are in is very small and if we get any more they will be sitting on the floor. I hope that doesn't sound ungrateful.

Well, what else can I say. Why did life decide to start happening so fast? Hey, Michele just got here with some food for the kids. I think I'll go steal some before I go back up to the hospital. Thanks again to EVERYONE. I will try to post some more tomorrow. I know we're not out of the woods by any means yet, but I feel a little better today.

On Friday at 7:30 a.m. I am scheduled for a "left hemicolectomy with colostomy" for "sigmoid invasive adenocarcinoma". Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated and I've asked Sean to post and update here tomorrow after I'm out of surgery. The procedure may take 3-5 hours so the update may be late in the day. We'd appreciate it if you could hold your calls so I can rest, but we read emails at both my Yahoo address and my work email address. The comments on the blog also get directed to my Yahoo address. Much love to you all in this New Year.

Cancer

Fucking colon cancer

FUCK

Oh dear, where do I begin?

I came to the ER at around 9 am on Christmas morning with a fever and severe abdominal pains. I'd been having pains on and off for almost two weeks but on Christmas Eve it was really unbearable so I stuck it out for the gift unwrapping then headed to the hospital.

An X-ray, cat scan, and other assessments led to an initial diagnosis of...drum roll...constipation. Bad girl, eat more fiber. So they checked me in for four liters of oral laxatives (not kidding) and, oh joy, continuous enemas. Plus some crud by IV to stir up my stomach a little more. This regimin led to almost continous vomiting and no results on the other side. So they figured I just wasn't cooperating and stuck an NG tube up my nose and down into my stomach. Turns out I can vomit even with a tube in to suction out the contents of my stomach.

After about 48 hours of this chaos where I felt like I was on death's doorstep, they sent me for a colonoscope which showed that I have a complete obstruction in my colon. We're waiting for the biopsy results, but given my age and the sudden onset, they feel it's unlikely to be a malignancy.

Most likely scenario is Chrone's disease (I'm not sure on spelling, can't google well from the blackberry). Right now they don't think I'm in imminent danger of rupturing my colon. I've been without food or water since Christmas Eve so they put in a central line today and should start pumping me with some nutritional muck tomorrow.

We tentatively have surgery scheduled for Friday morning (surgeon on vacation till then) to resect the closed off portion of my colon. They aren't fond of doing the surgery when the colon is full of you-know-what, but we don't have a whole lot of options since my system doesn't have any way of clearing itself out right now. So they may or may not be able to put the pieces back together again which could leave me with a temporary colostomy for 3-6 months. But unless I rupture or it's cancer, they've indicated that a permanent colostomy is unlikely.

So what can I say? I'm scared, praying it's not cancer. Praying that I don't become septic. Praying that I can go home to my sweet babies who I miss so dearly. I probably shouldn't spill my dirty medical problems to the internet, but I know many of you care and I ask you to pray the same prayers with me.

Things are fine at home. My mom is arranging for a personal leave to help out at the house so Sean can continue to be here bt my side. Sean's mom was a trooper watching all 3 kids the last five days. I'll try to post a brief update here if there's news, but just be optimistic and assume no news is good news.

Oh, and whenever I finish up with all this silly business, apparently I have a hernia that needs surgery and some lesions on my liver that need an MRI. Thank God I look so stunning in a hospital gown.

One year ago today...

A light came into the world...
And the world has made another trip around the sun...

And that little light has gotten bigger and brighter...Today it shines bright enough to light up all of our lives...

Happy birthday baby girl!

For those of you who like horror movies:

Here is the gruesome shot of poor Trevor's mouth. No, those teeth weren't in that position before the ride down the stairs. Check back in a few weeks and they may not be there at all. He can't bite with those teeth for two weeks in an effort to allow them to heal and firm up. At least one has 80% mobility according to the dentist. Which means hanging by a thin thread.

But he's not due for his permanent teeth for another 3-4 YEARS! So I'm thinking a crooked smile is better than no smile. So I think I'm hoping for the teeth to hang in there. Although I do think that if they turn black that would be gross. I'd prefer no teeth to black crooked teeth.

If you still haven't backed out, you can click on the picture to enlarge. And yes, that is dried blood all over his mouth. Nice touch, eh?

Hooray for small victories!

Just sent my Christmas card order to the printer. With any luck, they'll arrive here Wednesday (Thursday at the latest). I can have the envelopes all addressed and ready and maybe they'll arrive at their destinations before Dec 25th.

Now we just need a tree, presents, a birthday party for a little girl...like I said, it was a small victory.

Experience...

Y'know, you can tell your kids something a hundred times, but there are certain things they're determined to learn for themselves. Like when you say "Don't tip back in your chair, you'll fall." You can say that forever, but until they crack their head on the floor, your words will fall on deaf ears.

But certain times, I'm remiss for not warning my kids. Like I never said to Trevor, "Don't sit on that toy firetruck and try to ride it down a flight of wooden stairs". Not that he would have listened, but I didn't say those exact words. But I'm guessing the firsthand experience was enough for him to not do it again.

Pictures to follow...

Hang your head in shame...

Just one short month ago, watching a certain president-elect give his election night victory speech in Grant Park, I was proud to be from the great state of Illinois. Still probably nowhere near the Texas pride I see every day, but I had a warmth in my heart for the Land of Lincoln.

Today, not so much. Two governors in a row ousted for corruption? The transcripts of this guy's phone calls read like a bad movie script. Can somebody find me a governor I can respect. Alaska? Um...NO! Texas? Does anybody remember the commercial from the last campaign where they had Perry trying to talk himself out of a traffic ticket? What a clown. But he's no Rod Blogojevich, that's for sure.

Nice way to represent for the home team Rod.

Lists...

Mama T is a self-proclaimed list person. I admire that. Me? I'm anti-list. Why do I need to look at the top 10 things I didn't get done today that should have gotten done yesterday. If I had a list, it would look like this:

Presents purchases: ZERO
Gift ideas: ZERO
Christmas cards designed and ordered for other people: FOUR
Christmas cards designed and ordered for self: ZERO
Photo shoots edited for other families: ??20??
Photo shoots edited for my family: ZERO
1st birthday party invitations designed and ordered: ONE (Yay!)
Adorable 1st birthday outfits ordered after begging the woman to please, please accept my order even though it's past the holiday cutoff: ONE (Yay! Again)
Sense of impending doom as the birthday and holiday approach: PRICELESS

If you're reading this, just remind yourself that this blog is my personal gift to you and you couldn't ask for anything more. :-)

Swing shift...

Wednesday-up at 3 am
Thursday-up till 3 am

If anyone tells me I look younger than my age today, I'll know they're lying.

Oh, that caffeine is shouting my name and I'm playing earmuffs so I don't hear its' profane seductive call.

Yum!

I had a salted caramel signature hot chocolate at Starbuck's today. First of all, I never go to Starbucks and all their fancy drinks and weird sizes confuse me. Secondly, it makes me sick to pay almost $4 for a hot chocolate.

But, seriously now, it was soooooo delicious. Like run out and get yourself one right now. And go another 6 months without a haircut so you can afford one at least once a week.

Caught a flight home 2 hours earlier than originally scheduled. SWEET!

Love/Hate

I have a love/hate relationship with 6 am flights. I love being able to get to a 9 am mtg without having to fly out the day before and stay overnight. I HATE waking up at 3:15 to get ready and make it to the airport. I mean, really, that's just an obscene hour. Even Juliette isn't rude enough to disturb my sleep at that hour.

But the guy at security spent a while looking at my license before he finally said "You look a lot younger". Maybe he says that to everyone...maybe he was joking...but he sounded sincere. And it got a smile out of me at 5 am, which isn't easy.

'Tis the season...

Yesterday, the boys went to the Thanksgiving parade downtown before we enjoyed a lovely meal at home (I can say it was lovely even if I cooked it, right?) Then we made our quasi-annual trip to the Uptown Lighting ceremony and fireworks near the Galleria.

The boys got some nifty new toys to make their own lightshows:


Juliette watched the fireworks with Grandma Denise and welcomed the official opening of the Christmas season...

Then we enjoyed a leisurely afternoon at the park the day after Thanksgiving. No shopping for us, thank you very much. Juliette knew it must be fall still because she found a leaf on the ground.

The boys knew it was almost Christmas because they opened the outdoor ice skating rink at Discovery Green. However, they opted for other diversions...

Yeah, 85°F on the day after Thanksgiving...welcome to Christmas season in Texas...let's put on our bathing suits and play in the fountains at the park.

One to check off the list...

I don't have the ingredients for our Thanksgiving dinner, but I did manage to get the kids to the mall for the annual Santa picture. Here they were in the car on the way to the mall.

Juliette didn't know what she was getting into...
Hayden scowled at me, until I told him Santa doesn't bring presents to boys who make mean faces at their mother.

Trevor was a little pumped up this year. A nice change from the frightened screaming of yesteryear.

How adorable are these two?

Hayden loves Santa.

Here was the shot from the mall people:

And this was mine.

All in all, not a bad Santa visit. Not a cryer in the bunch.

Forgot to mention...
Someone turned 11 months old today. Ooh la la!

For Anna, who wanted to see the whole outfit...

And expressed a special interest in these cute shoes...

Delinquent...

Got a letter today from a collections agency. They're after me for some overdue library books. I got the notice a while ago but didn't want to pay since they said they'd reverse the charge on the books if I returned the books. And I kept meaning to return the books but didn't get around to it.

How wrong is it that I ruin a near-perfect credit rating by hijacking three books on bed-wetting? I mean, if you're going to go down in flames, shouldn't it at least be over something more fun?

The itch...

I'm starting to get the itch to buy a new camera. My shutter has been acting a little sketchy and I don't have a back-up camera. And the new Nikon D700 has some nifty features that could bring some real improvements to my shooting.

BUT...the old camera is still working...and I'd need a pricey new lens to go with the new camera (my #1 lens isn't fully compatible with the D700...and I'd have to book, I don't know, 30 shoots, to pay for the camera and lens.

So I can't really justify the new camera completely. And these things tend to get cheaper/more sophisticated the longer you wait. So maybe I should wait.

But I really really want it NOW.

Perhaps a bad sign...

When the dog gets haircuts more frequently than I do. I'm the shaggiest one in the house.

Skinny jeans...

When I see those two words together, I think on those one-size too small jeans we all have in our closet, waiting for the day that 15 lbs miraculously disappears from our waist/bum/hips/thighs. But don't set foot in the Gap, new land of "skinny jeans" which apparently means the early 80s fitting jeans that are skin tight from waist to ankle. Now I must ask, is that a good look for anyone? I mean even if you're 5'10" and 110 lbs I think skinny jeans look ridiculous. Of course, the fact that I'm shorter and heavier than those dimensions may influence my thinking. But seriously, were they watching when Stacy and Clinton passed out the rules on "What not to Wear"?

In other news, I got sick on Saturday night and had to cancel 2 photo shoots for Sunday. Which means I'll have 5 shoots the following weekend which really exceeds my ability to process in a timely manner. So you may not be hearing from me for while since I'll be in solitary confinement with my BFF Photoshop for a while.

Stylist, please?

I've been taking pictures of one family after the next for the upcoming holidays. And every family I meet shows up looking effortlessly lovely. Which never ceases to amaze me since outfitting the family for holiday pics is the bane of my existing. Every year it takes me longer and longer (perhaps due to the continued expansion of the clan).

This year I decided we're going with a more relaxed look so we're going to wear jeans. Which means I only need to buy tops. That's a no brainer, right? Not so much. Trying to look coordinated but not outright matchy-matchy is beyond my abilities, apparently. I spent two hours looking for a top for myself to end up with one purchase that still doesn't inspire me. I still don't have a decent pair of jeans, but I've got a Gap coupon so I'm optimistic.

I've been looking online for Juliette because I can't find anything in the store that's a dark color, not too dressy, and no wild patterns. I found something online but can't stomach paying $100 for an outfit that will be unlikely to fit in two months. I did find a dress I kind of liked online for $50. Then I found the same dress in a store for $110 but it was super cute when I tried it on her. So I spent 1.5 hours online trying to find it for $50 again. No luck.

I took all 3 kids to the mall today to try to find outfits for the boys. The only things that kept me from killing them were 1)threats of telling the mall Santa about their misbehavior (why is Santa there before Thanksgiving?) 2) the TVs in 2 of the stores we visited and 3) the promise of cookies. So I got a few options for them which is progress. Another 5 hours of frustrated shopping and I might wrap this year's shopping up. Which is ridiculous. Who spends this long to look so "effortlessly casual"? Nobody.

So if you wonder why I didn't send that perfect baby/birthday/Christmas gift...this is why. I can't shop. Get paralyzed by the decision-making. No inspiration. Looking around at the vast mountains of choices just makes me dizzy.

But with any luck, I might get it together enough to get the family pic done, put together a card, and send it to you. If I work on it every waking hour between now and Dec 25th.

Breakfast...

Normally, I take Hayden to school at around 7:25 and wait outside with him till the first bell rings at 7:35 am. This will usually get me to my office right around 8 am. But they offer breakfast in the cafeteria at school and once in a blue moon, if I need to be at work before 8, I drop him in the cafeteria at 7:10 am. So this week he announces that he'd rather just have me drop him at the curb so he can eat breakfast at school every day.

Sniff. Sniff. Big boy. So it's more convenient for me certainly, but am I a bad mom for it? Is the free breakfast at school just for the kids who can't get a decent breakfast at home? Should I be spending quality time with my kid over a nutritious breakfast at home? Or if he'd rather be in the cafeteria and I could benefit from getting to work earlier, is it a win-win?

Almost missed it...

Miss J. Has been doing the combat crawl for 2+ months now. She's continued to slither around on her belly like a snake despite moving onto other physical milestones like getting herself into a sitting position, getting up on her knees, and pulling up to stand. For some reason, I dusted off the video camera late last week to capture her sweet slithering crawl.

And what do you know, I came home yesterday and found her crawling on her hands and knees like a big girl.

We have probably 2 hours of video of Hayden attempting to crawl, pull up, etc. At least we won't have to do as much editing on Juliette's early years. Although the soundtrack could use some work, mostly the dogs barking and the boys fighting. Such is life in our house.

I came home and something was missing...

Sean and I went out to a play on Saturday night and my mother watched the kids. We apparently missed a big event in our house. What's missing from this picture?
Who needs to move in for a closer look?

Please note, this was not due to an all-night Halloween candy-eating binge. A few weeks ago, Hayden took a shot to the mouth in a soccer game. There was a little blood and the tooth has been getting gradually looser since then. He could not have been more excited about having that tooth come out...I think it was the tooth fairy that made him so pumped up.

By the way, the tooth fairy has upped the ante these days. I used to get a quarter growing up. Hayden's mouth is going to cost the tooth fairy $100 before we're all said and done.

Get out and vote today!

I'm standing in line waiting to vote and I'm more excited than I thought I'd be. I already got choked up this morning talking to Hayden in the car about how we'll read in the newspaper tomorrow who our new president is. And now I'm feeling so energized and the anticipation really has me quite emotional. So get out there and vote and share the energy.